nothing but what if's...

I have been nothing but on a bad ride of emotions this entire week. I try to keep it as real as I can around here & I have to admit that I have been pretty bad about blogging consistently recently. I swear I am going to make a better effort at blogging more & being more consistent but I also want to be better about keeping it real around here. I also feel like apologizing for not being a better writer... I have never been super good at writing but I write because it makes me feel a lot better about things... hopefully its not too horrible.   so here we go on keeping it real... we are all human, we all live life & we all go through a lot of the same experiences. the heartbreak, first love, loss, firsts & lasts. I am sure my list could go on. since my last actual, real relationship (it will be two years in October), I have struggled hard with dating. I learned from my ex what I want & don't want & can't live with. I also don't really remember how to date... which is the struggle I come to now. this also leads to why this roller coaster of emotions & having my heart shattered in a million pieces has been wrecking me recently... all over a guy I really like & have gone out with, but am not in a relationship with. he's the first guy I have dated since my ex that has made me feel real emotion again. since my ex I have kind of been walking around in state of numbness. unfortunately I got so excited about how things were going & everything we had in common & how I felt that I guess I got a little ahead of myself & now here I sit in the let down & the brokenness. we had a great weekend & a good text goodnight Saturday & since it has been a silence so loud that I can't stand it. but I choose to let it be silence. so here I sit in the let down & the brokenness unsure of what to do or where to go from here. sometimes I wish I didn't care so much so I wouldn't get hurt like I do.   hopefully this roller coaster of emotion will subside in the next few days...