nothing but what if's...

I have been nothing but on a bad ride of emotions this entire week. I try to keep it as real as I can around here & I have to admit that I have been pretty bad about blogging consistently recently. I swear I am going to make a better effort at blogging more & being more consistent but I also want to be better about keeping it real around here. I also feel like apologizing for not being a better writer... I have never been super good at writing but I write because it makes me feel a lot better about things... hopefully its not too horrible.   so here we go on keeping it real... we are all human, we all live life & we all go through a lot of the same experiences. the heartbreak, first love, loss, firsts & lasts. I am sure my list could go on. since my last actual, real relationship (it will be two years in October), I have struggled hard with dating. I learned from my ex what I want & don't want & can't live with. I also don't really remember how to date... which is the struggle I come to now. this also leads to why this roller coaster of emotions & having my heart shattered in a million pieces has been wrecking me recently... all over a guy I really like & have gone out with, but am not in a relationship with. he's the first guy I have dated since my ex that has made me feel real emotion again. since my ex I have kind of been walking around in state of numbness. unfortunately I got so excited about how things were going & everything we had in common & how I felt that I guess I got a little ahead of myself & now here I sit in the let down & the brokenness. we had a great weekend & a good text goodnight Saturday & since it has been a silence so loud that I can't stand it. but I choose to let it be silence. so here I sit in the let down & the brokenness unsure of what to do or where to go from here. sometimes I wish I didn't care so much so I wouldn't get hurt like I do.   hopefully this roller coaster of emotion will subside in the next few days...  

moving on.

one of the hardest things for us to do is to know when it is time to move on.

this can be one of the hardest things we do.

unfortunately I had been having this feeling for two weeks now & yesterday I had had enough.

sometimes, it is hard to put feelings & emotions aside which in turn makes it even hard to realize when it is time to move on from a relationship.

after two weeks of questioning it, yesterday was it & I knew it needed to happen.

yes, relationships are a two way street but not everyone has figured out it is give & take. you shouldn't try to change someone but you have to learn that in a relationship there has to be give & take.

so with that said, I am moving on.

today is a new day.

I feel so blessed that I have the most awesome best friend ever, who even though she is miles away in florida at her awesome job at Disney, finds time to talk to me &  be there for me when ever I need her.

I feel so blessed that my mom has become more of a friend to me as I have grown up & being able to talk to her makes life so much easier.

I feel thankful & blessed today.