yeahhhh friday!!!!

hey hey hey it's friday!! it has been a weird week but I am glad it is almost the weekend! & it is a horse show weekend at that!!   1. horse show yes horse show weekend!! I am so excited! I haven't really gotten to show all year, I have spent my time coaching all year so I am pretty stoked!   it should be fun to show this little guy!!   2. back issues my back issues still exist... they haven't gone away... sunday was better after my massage but this week has been pretty miserable. glad alexa is here for the show this weekend & is riding her horse so it gives my back a bit of a rest. I am also taking muscle relaxers for the next few days to see if it helps.   3. emotional rollercoaster this week has been a rough rollercoaster my friends. yesterday was a better day finally. hopefully it continues going up & I can keep it under control. it's rough & not fun let me tell ya!   4. fall I am so ready for fall its insane. I love sweaters to an obnoxious degree. I don't want it to be winter but I want to wear sweaters all the time.   5. music it has been two weeks since I have seen the boys play. they have been playing an insane amount of private parties recently which is great!!! & they are off this weekend which is good since the horse show and all. however their biggest gig of the year is next Thursday & I am looking forward to photographing it! yay for Thursday Night Live! I can't wait to share with you guys!
   

deep, darkness...

the past couple of days have been a struggle emotionally. so in an effort to keep this real... here we go. I wish I could explain what it is but it is this deep dark place. & it sucks. this lonely, sadness. I can't seem to kick it. it won't seem to go away. everything had been better but these last couple of days have just been absolutely miserable. part of it is the weather hasn't been helping. just makes it harder. part of it is this emotional rollercoaster just keeps going on. it's this sense of life isn't going well or the loneliness, I can't pin it down. life isn't bad but the loneliness is eating away at everything. it is the constant state of being alone that I think is really what is starting to bother me & send me spiraling.   hopefully all of this gets better soon... its wearing on me quickly...      

nothing but what if's...

I have been nothing but on a bad ride of emotions this entire week. I try to keep it as real as I can around here & I have to admit that I have been pretty bad about blogging consistently recently. I swear I am going to make a better effort at blogging more & being more consistent but I also want to be better about keeping it real around here. I also feel like apologizing for not being a better writer... I have never been super good at writing but I write because it makes me feel a lot better about things... hopefully its not too horrible.   so here we go on keeping it real... we are all human, we all live life & we all go through a lot of the same experiences. the heartbreak, first love, loss, firsts & lasts. I am sure my list could go on. since my last actual, real relationship (it will be two years in October), I have struggled hard with dating. I learned from my ex what I want & don't want & can't live with. I also don't really remember how to date... which is the struggle I come to now. this also leads to why this roller coaster of emotions & having my heart shattered in a million pieces has been wrecking me recently... all over a guy I really like & have gone out with, but am not in a relationship with. he's the first guy I have dated since my ex that has made me feel real emotion again. since my ex I have kind of been walking around in state of numbness. unfortunately I got so excited about how things were going & everything we had in common & how I felt that I guess I got a little ahead of myself & now here I sit in the let down & the brokenness. we had a great weekend & a good text goodnight Saturday & since it has been a silence so loud that I can't stand it. but I choose to let it be silence. so here I sit in the let down & the brokenness unsure of what to do or where to go from here. sometimes I wish I didn't care so much so I wouldn't get hurt like I do.   hopefully this roller coaster of emotion will subside in the next few days...  

moving on.

one of the hardest things for us to do is to know when it is time to move on.

this can be one of the hardest things we do.

unfortunately I had been having this feeling for two weeks now & yesterday I had had enough.

sometimes, it is hard to put feelings & emotions aside which in turn makes it even hard to realize when it is time to move on from a relationship.

after two weeks of questioning it, yesterday was it & I knew it needed to happen.

yes, relationships are a two way street but not everyone has figured out it is give & take. you shouldn't try to change someone but you have to learn that in a relationship there has to be give & take.

so with that said, I am moving on.

today is a new day.

I feel so blessed that I have the most awesome best friend ever, who even though she is miles away in florida at her awesome job at Disney, finds time to talk to me &  be there for me when ever I need her.

I feel so blessed that my mom has become more of a friend to me as I have grown up & being able to talk to her makes life so much easier.

I feel thankful & blessed today.